I spoke to your dog, not the one you brought , the one at home. He said to tell you to quit talking about him, he doesn’t like people knowing his problems.
ER vet tip…
I spoke to that feral cat in your yard, yes she did have kittens, and yes she knows they are there. Leave her alone-she’s got this.
Vet calls…
2:15am: How can I help?
“My dog isn’t breathing, I’ll be there in 20 minutes!”
Sir-is your dog still alive?
“I’ll call you back!”
(30 minutes later)
“Do you think I killed her with spaghetti?”
No- I don’t think it was the spaghetti.
“Oh good, thanks!”
ER vet tip…
I spoke to your dog, she said she WATCHES dog shows with you…and that she isn’t a show dog.
Yes- I understand, she has “papers”.
ER vet tip…
I spoke to your dog, he would like to rip your nipples off…which is what you were doing…
Yes-you’re right, he is male. And yes he has nipples.
I’m sure- that you should have “Googled”
ER vet tip…
I spoke to your dog, he would also like it if you came in and had us splint his broken leg next time.
I understand you only had a salad fork and spoon…but they still had dressing on them.
(I’ll see if I can find the actual picture!)
Dog breeds
It’s always interesting when people ask, “what kind of dog should I get?”. Quite frankly I am probably the worst at identifying breeds of dogs. I tend to lump them into categories based on how they act overnight in the hospital.
The first category being “you will bark all night”
This category includes: all white dogs under 10lbs, German Shepherds, Huskies, any dog named Gucci, Princess or Precious, and always without fail the dog that the owner claims is perfect away from home.
The second category is the “I won’t pee outside, but will act like a psycho with a garden hose when you get me back in the cage”
This group that the nurses love includes: all dogs over 80lbs (they typically have had knee surgery and don’t want to walk), German Shepherds, and all little dogs where the owner claims they have a “command” that you need to use outside for them to pee.
The third category- “cage jumpers”
This is a sneaky group, again we find our friend the German Shepherd, death wish breeds like Pugs and Bulldogs (they don’t even have any face to soften the blow), and the purse dog (tiny Chihuahua that lives in a designer handbag).
The final category, we will just call “poop painters”
This is an extensive group- most dogs for that matter, they all seem to have their own unique way on taking a dump, pacing through it, and finding some way to get it all over you. We had a phone a work somehow get tangled into a real stinky mess one night.
So when asked what dog to get…
Get a cat.
What the vet really means…
“You could try that supplement”
Translation- “You can use it if you like throwing money away”
Vet calls…
1:15am-How can I help?
“How much to get my dog looked at?”
$150
“But it’s just his paw-you don’t have to look at the rest of him”
Sorry-have to look at all of him
“I give you $75 if you take a good look at the paw, and barely look at the rest”
You win- see you when you get here
ER vet tip…
I spoke to your dog, he said I am actually the FOURTH opinion, and that you are recording our conversation.
He doesn’t even remember the initial problem