Month: July 2020

It’s always interesting when people ask, “what kind of dog should I get?”. Quite frankly I am probably the worst at identifying breeds of dogs. I tend to lump them into categories based on how they act overnight in the hospital.

The first category being “you will bark all night”

This category includes: all white dogs under 10lbs, German Shepherds, Huskies, any dog named Gucci, Princess or Precious, and always without fail the dog that the owner claims is perfect away from home.

The second category is the “I won’t pee outside, but will act like a psycho with a garden hose when you get me back in the cage”

This group that the nurses love includes: all dogs over 80lbs (they typically have had knee surgery and don’t want to walk), German Shepherds, and all little dogs where the owner claims they have a “command” that you need to use outside for them to pee.

The third category- “cage jumpers”

This is a sneaky group, again we find our friend the German Shepherd, death wish breeds like Pugs and Bulldogs (they don’t even have any face to soften the blow), and the purse dog (tiny Chihuahua that lives in a designer handbag).

The final category, we will just call “poop painters”

This is an extensive group- most dogs for that matter, they all seem to have their own unique way on taking a dump, pacing through it, and finding some way to get it all over you. We had a phone a work somehow get tangled into a real stinky mess one night.

So when asked what dog to get…

Get a cat.

This just happened last weekend, and it honestly is the most bizarre thing that has ever happened to me since being a vet…or alive. As most overnight veterinarians will attest to, between the hours of 2am and 6am things wind down and there is often a chance to get a nap. Napping can and does happen wherever. Some doctors get a bed (rare), some sleep on the quiet room couch, an air mattress on the floor, “two chairs and a wall to lean on” (it works), computer keyboard (hurts the back), or on the CT table (very cold). On this particular evening-a cold leather couch was where I was headed. As I kicked off my shoes and folded myself in, the security guard started pulling on the nearby door. I motioned for him to go around as we were only using one entrance with Covid screening. He proceeded to walk around the building and back to where I was.

“Can’t use that door- need to screen everyone in and out” I said.

“Who are you?” the security guard fired back.

While there were far funnier things I could have said, I stuck with “overnight doctor, your key fob won’t work on that door.”

He sharply turned toward the door and muttered “security goes where it wants”, and pushed through the door.

While it was a little alarming as to how he acted, sleep was far more important that playing Courtesy Crusader and moments later I was out.

Fast forward an hour- while a pocket flashlight pierces through my eyes, I hear someone yelling, “Get up! Get up!”

I open my eyes to see the same law-abiding security guard pointing his flashlight at me continuing on with taunts to get up.

“Hey man-what the hell are you doing?!” I asked in amazement.

“You need to get up and get out of the building, you can’t be here?”

“Again-what the hell are you talking about? Go call you superior, maybe they can explain…” he cut me off abruptly.

“If you won’t get up and leave, I’m calling the police!”

“Please do…” And he went back through the forbidden door to call the police.

Now I wasn’t sure at this moment what I was going to do. I could A) wait for the police and let them see me in scrubs with my name on them, B) go home, as instructed by the security guard, or C) have the nurses go and tell this lunatic that I really was the doctor.

After much debate, the nurses went and explained to the guard who I was, he called the police back (they had a chuckle), and we made sure to take away his keys to the building and his door fob.

Only on overnights…